I think I was suffering from a slight case of insanity last Monday. After another awful night with Lucy - both paws torn and both of us sleepless still, I called the vet and booked in her appointment. I even dug a small grave in mum's backyard that morning, because I was under the impression I could not get her cremated. (Luckily not the case - she is being cremated).
It was so surreal. Lucy, Charlie and Cooper played and I dug this grave. Then Jamie and I sat with them, threw the ball and took photos of Lucy. I have no idea what was going through my head, but I can say it was all business.
At 2.30pm I took her to the vet. Because we go so often, it seemed like a really normal thing to do. Lucy ran up to the doors. She crawled amongst the chairs. Weighed in and we waited.
The second the vet came out I almost legged it out the door. Physically, my body just told me to run and take Lucy with me. We went in, they put in a catheter. She asked if I wanted to spend more time with Lucy. I told her if she waits around I was leaving.
She fell asleep, and then she was gone. Turns out the vet didn't tell me that after the heart stops, the nerves continue. She convulsed a little and then fell limp. I wrapped her in a blanket and paid the front desk. I went outside and thew up.
Then I didn't get out of bed for 2 days. My first meal was on Thursday. I've cried every night since. I have no idea how people give away or put down their pets so casually. The only thing that made me come around was talking to my cousin. We didn't talk about Lucy, but her dad died recently (my mum's brother) which was an extremely traumatic event - brain tumour and they had to take him off life support.
So I thought, if she was doing okay after that then putting Lucy to sleep was okay too. I do miss her a lot though. I still think she's coming back.